Comical Zodiac: Your Funny Horoscope with a Grain of Truth

Everybody likes a good solid horoscope, but how about a comical one? Are you ready to laugh at the bees in your bonnet? Then go for our newest funny horoscope with a bit of truth in it!

Read your sign’s comical horoscope!

It’s your chance to have a good hearty laugh at yourself and draw some serious conclusions.

Aries

Aries makes life decisions like a toddler. They are not in the habit of saying one thing and doing another – they just do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Ever. Remember about this unless you want Aries your mortal enemy. 

Aries stand their ground no matter how shaky it is: they may live in a palace or a refrigerator box and still insist this is exactly what they wanted. Aries always hold managerial positions; even if life makes them clean toilets, they will form a one-man union and go on a picket.

Taurus

Taurus is an incarnation of brooding. Their mood swings from up to down to shooting their favorite anchor person in the knee, “just because.” Taurus is very earthy, which means they love rolling around in a meadow and sighing. 

Psychoanalysis is their fav – they practice it on their friends, but have no life experience of their own. Most Taureans love confronting people and holding grudges about things that never happened. For them, something’s wrong when nothing is wrong. Taureans are hard to figure out, because they answer every question with a question or just refuse to go out from under the bed.

Gemini

Geminis love to think of themselves as an artistic mixture of Michelangelo and Sophocles, but in reality it is more of a schizophrenic one. They are pushy and overbearing, outgoing and progressive, and they will negate all of this immediately after they finish reading this sentence. 

Geminis drive funny cars and speak very loudly as they want to make sure they’re heard. Unfortunately, there’s usually no one listening, because they are mostly talking – or even picking heated arguments - to themselves. Essentially, they’re like an Aquarius, only slightly paranoid.

Cancer

Cancer enjoys being in the loop, only the loop is too big – it includes everyone in this galaxy and beyond. However, they tend to close their eyes upon what’s happening in their own lives. Cancerians have an erratic sense of fashion; in fact, they get dressed only because they have to. They will never excel in sports, because they need to take five after every breath they take. 

But this does not frustrate them because they plan on building a career from the comfort of their own bed, which is very convenient, as nearly every Cancer is a born cross-stitch genius, no matter if they know about it or not. Cancerian nature is a paradox: they need to be everybody’s savior, but despise social interaction.

Leo

Leo craves attention and will try to grab it in any possible way, including self-immolation; they will do literally anything that will give them shock value. Leos have to be the center of every conversation; they open doors by screaming at them and will barricade the exit if someone tries to leave before they finish their speech. 

Leo’s birthday must be a parade; their every appearance must be accompanied by the welcoming applause. Physical affection is vital for Leos, but they can never find any because everyone thinks they are irritating.

Virgo

Virgos are control freaks. They regulate their breathing and hang clothes in the closet based on their color. They clean every square inch of every surface in their homes twice a day with a toothbrush and inspect the result with a magnifying glass. If you want to freak out a Virgo, tell them there is something between their teeth. 

The only color shades they see is clean and dirty, but this is kind of cool, because they will eagerly do your laundry for you. However, don’t count on them if you want this done quickly, because they will separate everything by the color and fabric and then put the clothes in the washer in alphabetical order by the manufacturing brand.

Libra

Libras are so elegant and tasteful it’s nauseating. They can only make a decision if they consult a therapist or a TV guide. They constantly worry about what other people think about them, but never really pay attention. Libras are funny because of their malleability – they will start adoring anything they hate the moment it comes into fashion. 

They eat ethnic foods, but don’t understand the cultures they belong to. Hollywood teems with Libras. They are the reason old fashion styles make comebacks – Libras never throw out their old clothes. Even if a Libra is hammered, he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café au lait and café latté, which is really strange because everybody knows there is none whatsoever.

Scorpio

Scorpios get into computers very early; in fact, most hackers are Scorpios, as well as most people who try to find their fame on a chat board. Scorpios embarrass Libras because they prefer their coffee black, eaten straight out of the bag with a spoon. They hold a grudge about being victims of a government conspiracy or never having been abducted by aliens. 

Some Scorpios can successfully smoke in the shower. They have a master plan for world domination, but it will never work out, because they are in the lead. Halloween is Scorpios’ favorite holiday – it is the only time when they can feel haunted, be hysterical or even impersonate Doctor Who without the danger of getting arrested. Scorpios love giving advice, especially if the matter does not in any way concern them.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are adventurous. They can kill a spider with their bare hands, or look under the bed in the middle of the night when the lights are out. They do not choose easy ways, even if it means inflicting an injury upon themselves. 

Sagittarians are loud; they seek to offend, but, to everyone’s surprise, they are favored by small children and animals. Sagittarius loves to entertain people; Madonna herself is a worse Madonna than a Sagittarius - he or she is just incapable of being unhip.

Capricorn

Capricorn is reliable, diligent and dull. They are a strange cross-breed of Virgo and Leo – their grandeur is delusional. However, Capricorns are charismatic and logical; they can survive anything, even a nuclear war. 

The best Christmas present for them as children was a book of law – they loved to find and highlight the loopholes. As adults, they love to be seen talking on their cell, but it is not actually turned on because there is no one who would want to call Capricorns – they went out of style in 1989.

Aquarius

Aquarians love to party; they can party anywhere, at any time. They have regular out-of-body experiences; they love astronomy because they know so much about space from their previous trips there. Want to know what food is like on Saturn? Ask an Aquarius! 

However, conversations with Aquarians can be hopeless, as they frequently zone out and turn to talking to a person several feet away. They can allow themselves every possible vice without a second thought. If Aquarians try really hard, they can even walk on water.

Pisces

Pisces bring laughter and comedy with themselves; the sad thing is that they are not trying to be funny. They claim to love the stars, but can only find the Big Dipper. Sometimes. If they fail, they would cry. Pisces remember what they were wearing on April, 12, 1995, but forget where they live – they have no sense of direction. 

Pisceans say they want to hear honest criticism of what they do, but commit immediate suicide as soon as they hear it. Pisceans say way too much and do whatever they please. Don’t try to use logic with Pisces – they are not sure what they are talking about themselves. If you still engage in an argument with them, be ready for fallacies, quotes from Victorian poets and tears.